I can feel when my mind is starting to overpower me. I can feel it rising in my skull like poisonous air drifting in places it shouldnt be... Its like a switch. I'm happy, perfectly happy. And suddenly my anxiety, tempered by anger, rises to lift my darkest spirits. Its truly antagonizing. It's a faint burning in my skull, and a slight flinch... A twitch. It deepens inside my muscle; moves me unwillingly. These hostile thoughts grow and deepen inside me, begging to boil over. My head shakes profusely and I'm overruled by this sensation of hatred. I want nothing more than to disappear. No, not disappear, not exist. To never have been brought into this chaotic world of destroyed happiness.
And thats how I know I'm losing my mind.

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I dont want to live in a household where the father calls his mentally disabled son a "retard" every day. Please, just spare me this.

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Parents are arguing again- It happens every night- Screaming till their throats burn, their voices compete to outdo the other. With words of hate and disgust, they violate each others personal space, thrashing with arms and fists and shouts so thick of saliva, they spit. Its a violent game they play. My brother ran out of the house in a fit. Next is my mother, going after him in hopes that he doesnt do anything dangerous. Hiding in my room at the moment and hoping my dad doesnt barge in, looking for someone to fight with. Im alone... And its slightly frightening... Especially when youve got a psychotic parent. Life is hell when your family is unstable. Even more hell when youve got friends whining to you about how you dont pay enough attention to them. Fuck my life and fuck them.

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I'm so lost. I dont know this person I have become and it all but breaks me to see this future slowly take form. I'm not ready. I'm not strong enough! I never was.
Every breath feels like wasted life being held before me. All I am is wasted life so why am I here...
I'm here for everyone else's benefit. They consider me selfish for wanting eternal peace. They glamore me with these ideas of content and self-importance, respect and hope. Hope...
Is it not they who have wronged? The stale cruelty of their ignorance and self-fullfillment still lingers on in the fringes of my mind. Is it not they who are selfish? They keep me from what I need! This agony...
No. No, because it is I who must think for them. It is I who must prevent their pain. It is I who must stand idle, in the manor they wish of me, for their own enjoyment.
I am no voice. I cannot be taken seriously. They call me "ill". They call me "disturbed". They imply with their wandering eyes and they make use of their voices because mine does not count.
I am in pain.
Perhaps it was that part of which they missed.

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You told me you loved me.
But you were just a stupid liar ;D
I hope the next girl rips your heart out.
That's what I should have done.
So while I sit here, waiting for you to say something...
Anything!
I'll try to not want you.

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