What does it matter now if I die? I'm already dead... I died of sadness.

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Lost Friends

I go out of my way to fix things. Repairing a friendship thats threatening to be lost, my story gets blown out of proportion and slams back on me. And apparently my messages are so wildly entertaining, you gain the benefit of humoring your new friends with my long and tiresome explanations. Hope they served your purpose. They came straight from the pit, no strongs attached. Unfortunately I left out the part of me calling you a bitch. Now, that would have wrapped it all up rather nicely. Call me a monster, but you mistake it for yourself. Too bad this is just a journal and no one actually reads this shit.

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I origionally pasted that skyline photo up on my page for obvious reasons of my own. The photo isnt nearly worth a cent... It hardly registers any emotion and fails to emphasize any subject at all. It isnt particulary great in any way. Its plain and simple. Maybe even numbing to the scenses. But when I saw it, I felt I should capture it. Brief thoughts of Her flooded into my head. It was neither a happy memory nor horridly tragic one to bare. It just reminded me of her. And how maybe... If such a place were possible, that she would be there, protecting us. And that maybe if I smiled up at her...would she see me and smile back? God, I miss her.

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I just want it to end. I want to sleep and never wake up. A coma sounds really nice right now...

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Get the fuck out of my life. Wait, no! I need you, come back..

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This old lady told me I would be a miserable dissaster till my mid twenties. That this prison cell of a mind would control and carry me through the years, kicking and screaming. And eventualy things would settle down on their own. She claimed to be a psychic. I claimed to be a teenager with hormones.

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The ones I love the most all disappear in good time. And I begin to wonder where it ends... Or starts to matter.

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He tells her that her screams have scared him. That he sleeps soundly but awakes with memories of her yells seeping through the floorboards and tortured sirens of cries from the tears that choke her. That dissociated psychotic bastard.

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Is it strange that I fight for the friendship of someone who wants nothing to do with me? I'll trade a century of my own happiness for his companionship in return. I just want him... I want HIM. I want him to acknowledge my presense and show me that I matter. If I cant matter to him, I dont know if I can matter at all... Its a scorching pain to fall so deeply for someone and for them to disappear. Silently slip from reach...
I needed you.
And now you're gone.

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I can feel when my mind is starting to overpower me. I can feel it rising in my skull like poisonous air drifting in places it shouldnt be... Its like a switch. I'm happy, perfectly happy. And suddenly my anxiety, tempered by anger, rises to lift my darkest spirits. Its truly antagonizing. It's a faint burning in my skull, and a slight flinch... A twitch. It deepens inside my muscle; moves me unwillingly. These hostile thoughts grow and deepen inside me, begging to boil over. My head shakes profusely and I'm overruled by this sensation of hatred. I want nothing more than to disappear. No, not disappear, not exist. To never have been brought into this chaotic world of destroyed happiness.
And thats how I know I'm losing my mind.

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I dont want to live in a household where the father calls his mentally disabled son a "retard" every day. Please, just spare me this.

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Parents are arguing again- It happens every night- Screaming till their throats burn, their voices compete to outdo the other. With words of hate and disgust, they violate each others personal space, thrashing with arms and fists and shouts so thick of saliva, they spit. Its a violent game they play. My brother ran out of the house in a fit. Next is my mother, going after him in hopes that he doesnt do anything dangerous. Hiding in my room at the moment and hoping my dad doesnt barge in, looking for someone to fight with. Im alone... And its slightly frightening... Especially when youve got a psychotic parent. Life is hell when your family is unstable. Even more hell when youve got friends whining to you about how you dont pay enough attention to them. Fuck my life and fuck them.

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I'm so lost. I dont know this person I have become and it all but breaks me to see this future slowly take form. I'm not ready. I'm not strong enough! I never was.
Every breath feels like wasted life being held before me. All I am is wasted life so why am I here...
I'm here for everyone else's benefit. They consider me selfish for wanting eternal peace. They glamore me with these ideas of content and self-importance, respect and hope. Hope...
Is it not they who have wronged? The stale cruelty of their ignorance and self-fullfillment still lingers on in the fringes of my mind. Is it not they who are selfish? They keep me from what I need! This agony...
No. No, because it is I who must think for them. It is I who must prevent their pain. It is I who must stand idle, in the manor they wish of me, for their own enjoyment.
I am no voice. I cannot be taken seriously. They call me "ill". They call me "disturbed". They imply with their wandering eyes and they make use of their voices because mine does not count.
I am in pain.
Perhaps it was that part of which they missed.

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You told me you loved me.
But you were just a stupid liar ;D
I hope the next girl rips your heart out.
That's what I should have done.
So while I sit here, waiting for you to say something...
Anything!
I'll try to not want you.

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Almost lost my mind once already. I'm not fucking up this time -__-

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A Dream

A few nights ago, I drempt of you. It was the saddest and happiest memory I've had... since, well, the last few months that you followed in my subconscious. It nearly killed me to just see you. It was all so unreal... like nothing had ever happened. Warmth filled the air; it filled your family and friends. Your sister was enriched with normalcy, something I wish so badly she had now. We were all happy with not a care in the world. It was as if you had never left us. As if you had been there all that time and not so far off.

In my dream, I was not exactly "thrilled" to see you. I was shocked. How do I put this... I felt destroyed. Again! Completely dramatized. I felt my lungs close around themselves, making it almost impossible to breath. I wanted to reach for you... just grasp the thought that you were real! My dream self thought nothing out of the ordinary but underneath the surface, something was cracking its well-bound barriers. My foundations were falling to pieces. I knew something was wrong and I couldn't pinpoint it. Every time I saw your face, tears would ripple down my trembling cheeks. I would hide in your room so you couldn't see me like that. I didn't understand why I was crying... I was with my closest friends, after all. It was all so strange. It was only after I had awoken that the truth finally rose to the occasion. 

You're too far. You will always be too far to reach. Life isnt meant to be fair, it was only meant to challenge our sanity. And after so much cruelty, you fall like everyone else. You fall and you get up. You get right back up from the beginning and let everything unfold on it's own because that's all you can do. It's so fucking unbearable. Do people learn to accept this way of life? It's beyond me. So fucking beyond me.

Unhinged

There is something wrong with me.
There are so many fucking things wrong with me.
I am all but perfect,
the bane of my own existence.
Turn these tables,
become the undefined,
raise the limits,
make yourself a better person... Oh, I wish.
I need to breath,
I want so bad... To just live.
And each passing day,
I become the beast.
Retreating to the darkest chambers of my soul,
A piece of who I hate welcomes my tired heart.
And I succumb to the wretchedness which is my reality.
Drawing it in, this hell becomes my life.
I accept it because I caant help myself...
I cant control myself!
This is not a poem D:
This is just me ranting.

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Ive been having these really vivid dreams lately. Okay, so yes, theyre side effects of my medicine. But still! Its like watching a different movie every night, except even better. In the dream state, im unaware that im asleep, giving it that natural appearance. I wonder why I can remember so clearly now though.. Its nice. I never feel like ive been sleeping, and its ussually a chore getting up after seeing my thoughts before my eyes like that.. I wonder what my brain will piece together for tonight.

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?

I make up these long and drawn-out ideas of how beautiful my future could be, a world not so far from my eager finger tips. A dream that is closer than the bed sheets and thick walls to confine. And maybe my life will shine brighter, letting all the pain and angst drain away. I could just feel it... Almost within reach. I need that.
But it takes only a linguring thought to provoke the madness. I dont want that soul-sucking fever of an idea, I just want "me". I want to be able to live with the wholesome idea of balance and control...
So I fight. And I wait. And I distract. And I move on. And I deal. And I control. And I manage.
Maybe one day I wont have to hide and pretend my feelings. Maybe I will be strong enough. And maybe I wont have to bother writing about it.

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Angst

I'm provoked.
Set alight in shreads of fiery anger.
They say to calm my fluttering heart.
But really, its the pulsating skull that drives me to the core.
It replaces the bitter emptiness.
With scortching hate meant to devour me.

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Figaro

I miss this kid. Isnt he cute?

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Pffttttt

I'm trying to take it easy. Just cut the world some slack and smile for my audience once in a while. Show em' my pearly whites. And its nice being happy. This is nice...
Just tossing all the shitty residue of life aside and ignoring what ticks on the inside, waiting to blow. Ignoring these fucked up retards who insist on bringing down my fort, my escape from my own madness. And I love it. I love feeling free and careless. Lost in the far away place that I want and need. Being this happy is... Its quite beautiful.

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I like being happy. Its kinda fun... even if its only temporary.

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A Day In The Life

Iranians= crazy nut lovers. Yes, they love nuts. A lot. A lot, a lot.

Mama says, "Kati, you make boy frand?"
I say, "No, not yet Mama"
Mama huffs and rolls her eyes. "You lazy!"
Very typical.

When will the long night be over? When the Iranians stop partying. When will they stop partying? Only god knows.

God damn you Christopher Patrick, I hate you.

Various flowing thoughts. They run like mad-crazy circuits in my head. Well, actually they are. Electrical. Pfft. Shoot me already.

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I hate school. My classmates make me want to scewer them and that makes me feel like shit. Waking up is such a hassle. Work is an overload when you cant concentrate long enough without thinking so pessimisticly. And summer! Hah summer is interesting. Actually, its quite awful. Im alone. Completely isolated.

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I try to get close to someone and it backfires so hard, I can't seem to breath and I'm right back to where I started. How many times will I fall back to where I began? How many times can I restart my heart until it finally crashes? Oh, who cares! This is why I was not meant to be happy. My foundations are unfolding and I'm not sure how long they'll last. 

I'm not worth a second of anyone's time... and vise versa. I'm considerably unhinged and unable to keep my mouth shut when it really should be. All I do is push people away but go figure, I bring out the worst in myself.  In my world, there is nothing to hold onto. Nothing worth the fight. I AM nothing. And I have people to thank for... people who frequently remind me of why I'd love so much to throw my gift of life away. Tell me it's all worth it. Give me some kind of sign that things will somehow work out. My god, just fucking lie to me! But don't let me sit here and fall farther and farther into the dark... it's so awful living this way. Unbearable... so painful. Please, help me.

Life sucks. And then you fucking die.

Feels great to be a bitch every now and then.

Pathetic

The pain. It never truly leaves, but entangles itself in the deepest chambers of my mind. When exposed, the pain is like a depthless prism of darkness void of all meaning. What comes in never really makes it out. It stays only to accompany me during my most vulnerable moments. This blinding pain is everything and nothing at all. Nothing. Not the slightest of importance. My god, I wish I had the ability to rationalize these decepyful and irrevocable thoughts. No matter how hard my conscious thrives to fight it, pain bites down and controls me. It makes me cruel and blunt. Exposed but vague. Irritable and alarming. I'm a mindles creature. A freak.  The pain dehumanizes you like none other. Prevents you from seeing reality and holds you back while you scream and struggle. In the end, everything is useless to the ones who are too tired to be saved. Tired of not being happy. Tired of not feeling emotions that every person deverves to feel. Pain is a drug. It decepts you and forbids you from what lays within reach. It rocks your world upside down and demands that you embrace the cruelty around you. And then it laughs at you because it knows you will and have always been lost. As this sinks in, you begin to lose all sanity and laugh along with your own pain and destruction. You laugh because that's all you know. You laugh because you are weak. And you accept it.

Mhmm.

Ass holes don't know they're ass holes. Pity that :<

Gravity Hates Me

I want something to live for. Something to wake up to everyday. I want to glow with the purest of elation... or half of that, anyway. Wouldn't want to be too greedy, right? I just want to be happy. It seems as if all my hopes and dreams always crash at great speeds no matter the painstaking carefulness. I'm so weak! Crawling on my knees, gravity won't stop pulling me down! My god, let me fucking breath a little. I've tried getting off this morbid path towards destruction but to no avail. What the hell.

Sick

Attempted suicide this morning. Sucked majorly. I downed a full bottle of Prozac thinking I'd be knocked out with a seizer or something. The side effects are dizziness, drousiness, diahrea, abdominal pain, coma, heart attack, headaches, and etc. None of them affected me! My first attempt is an epic fail. Epic. I was dizzy the whole time but that was about it. A little stomach pain here and there. I was really hoping I would do some serious dammage with at least 600 mg. Bummer. Now I'm stuck with no happy pills, no sleep, and my life. The life I'd kill to end. On the brightside, my immune system is extremely headstrong and persevering. It won't go down without a fight. It's soooo harrrrrd to kill yourself!

Eff thiiissss

I'm not sure why I'm still here. I've never resented life this much... I just want it all to end. So, why the fuck do I stick around this long? For my family, I guess. I don't want to hurt anyone but... do I have much of a choice? This is pathetic of me! I should be able to overcome this! So why can't I? Why can't I be normal? Why can't my LIFE be normal? Is it too much to ask?.. Just to be happy? Just to be. :/